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Every time Gene sneezed Paul brought out the Head & Shoulders

KISS
The Million KI$$ March


KI$$ fans from all around the world are organizing to converge on the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame And Museum in Cleveland to tell the Rock Hall and the world that KI$$ deserves a place of honor among the legends of rock and roll.

Paul $tanley and Gene $immons, the newly ordained KI$$ Ministers Of Merchandising, will be delivering the keynote address at what is officially being called The Million KI$$ March. CREEM has obtained an exclusive copy of the speech that both Ministers will be giving, and we present it here in its entirety.

MINISTER $IMMONS: In the names of Moolah and Booty, the beneficent and the merciful, I thank you for these profits and this merchandise which our fans continue to buy. May continued prosperity be upon us.



KISS
KISS Rock The Nation Live! [DVD]
Image Entertainment


But seriously, why isn’t KISS in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame? Maybe it’s because they had the misfortune of signing with Neil Bogart and Casablanca instead of with Seymour Stein and Sire. Perhaps if KISS had signed with Seymour Stein—a Rock Hall co-founder (strike one) who heads the Rock Hall’s nominating committee (strike two) and who himself has been inducted into the Rock Hall with a lifetime achievement award (strike three)—they might have been fast tracked to the front of the line and already inducted into the Rock Hall alongside all the other Sire Records artists who have been inducted into the Rock Hall including the Ramones, Talking Heads, and Pretenders.

By the way, according to reference.com, a conflict of interest is a situation in which someone in a position of trust, such as an executive or director of a corporation, has competing professional and/or personal interests. Such competing interests can make it difficult to fulfill his or her duties fairly. Even if there is no evidence of improper actions, a conflict of interest can create an appearance of impropriety that can undermine confidence in the ability of that person to act properly.

Those with a conflict of interest are ethically expected not to participate in any decisions where such a conflict exists. To minimize any conflict, they should not participate in any way. Such non-participation is called recusing oneself.

But I digress.

As for why KISS should be in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, well, I’m sure your reasons are just as good as mine, if not better. But after watching their new concert video, I’d like to enter into evidence yet another reason: the following impassioned state of the union address that Paul Stanley so eloquently delivers towards the end of the show.



“Now people, there is bad news in the world. Pick up the newspaper: bad news. Turn on the television: bad news. Turn on your radio: bad news. There are evil people in the world. There are terrorists who are intent on destroying the United States Of America—and we will not let them!

“The United States Of America is the greatest country on earth and they hate us because they will never be like us! There is no place on earth like the United States Of America and each one of us is proud to be American. We live for it and we will fight for it and we will die for it!

“The way to defeat those evil people is to walk around with a smile on your face, enjoy all the opportunity you have in America, live your lives in freedom without fear and we will see them destroyed and banished from the face of the earth.

“Like every night on this tour, we dedicate this show to the brave men and women overseas fighting for the freedom of this country. We pray for their safe return and we pray for them daily. They are the heroes of this modern day.”



Not exactly “looks like we’re gonna have ourselves a rock ‘n’ roll pawdy tonite” is it? Forget the Rock Hall: if Paul Stanley ever decides to run for the United States Senate, he’s got my vote.

—Jeffrey Morgan
December 2005
I would like to thank all of those known and unknown persons who worked to make this day of supplication a reality. My thanks and my extreme gratitude to all of the members of the national organizing KI$$ Army committees and to everyone involved in the planning of this first Million KI$$ March. Of course if I named all those persons whom I know helped to make this event a realty, it would take a tremendous amount of time and detract from our own omnipotent importance.

We stand here today at this historic moment. We are standing at the crossroads of the rock and the roll which has been created by the sacrifice of the lives of those indentured servants who, over the years, have been hired to don the garb and the makeup of KI$$. Session men who have sacrificed their egos at the altar of anonymity to make manifest the true meaning of our hallowed name which will forever stand for: Knights In $immons' Service.

MINISTER $TANLEY: Aw, yeah! How y'all doin' tonight? All right! Now why have you come today? You came not to answer the call of $immons and $tanley, but you have gathered here at the clarion call of KI$$. It is only the call of almighty KI$$, no matter through whom that call came, that could generate this kind of outpouring. KI$$ called you here to this place. At this time. For a very specific reason: to get KI$$ inducted… into The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame!

Now I know all you people came here today because you want a more perfect union between KI$$ and the Rock Hall, despite the divisions that the music press tried to sow amongst you. They said you shouldn't come because you're too intelligent to follow KI$$. They pulled all the strings. They even played the Ace card. But what they didn't know is... that that KI$$ fans love to come!

You know, I wonder what they'll write in their magazines tomorrow. Will they give KI$$ the power and the glory? Will they respect the beauty of this day? A sea of KI$$ fans ready to come back to the Rock Hall every year until justice is done? No justice, no profit.

MINISTER $IMMONS: That reminds me of my album A$$HOLE because it starts with A and that rhymes with pay and that starts with P and that stands for peons paying profits in perpetuity. No profits, no KI$$.

MINISTER $TANLEY: Now I want each and every one of you to take this pledge. When I say "I" I want you to say "I" and say your name. Now I know there's so many of you, but I want you to take your name and shout it out loud so the ancestors of rock and roll can hear it.

Take this pledge with me. Say with me, "I"—say your name—pledge that from this day forward I will strive to love KI$$ even more than I love myself. "I"—say your name—pledge that from this day forward I will strive to further improve KI$$ economically.

I think we all should hold hands now and sing "KI$$ Gave Rock And Roll To You." And the reason we want this song sung is because we don't want anybody to take the credit for a day like this but us. You all may have worked together to make this day possible, but KI$$ is bigger than all of you.

I had a dream that one day little rocker boys would be able to join hands with little rocker girls as KI$$ Army brothers and sisters. And that when this happened, they would be able to let cash registers ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city.

So as we leave this place, let us be resolved to go home and rock and roll all nite and purchase every day because every dollar spent on KI$$ coffins fills KI$$ coffers!

MINISTER $IMMONS: We shall overcome. By any Gene necessary.


—Jeffrey Morgan
December 2005
Photo by Neal Preston/CREEM Photo Archive